Masala Rider

When researching the riding of motorbikes in India I had a web-based nemesis, a portent of doom that followed me wherever I went. Everytime I posted a query on a message board, his dark log-in would emerge from the ether and proclaim that if I were to ride a bike in India, I would surely meet my demise. I dismissed it as a classic case of keyboard-hero fear-mongering or just some clown with a dark sense of humour (as clowns have). Strangely, I never thought his comments might have been based in truth.

After riding only 35kms from Varkala to Kolam yesterday, I may not have met my demise, but I was certainly sailing close to the edge of existence. After only one day on the road I don’t exactly qualify as an expert - but in the interest of traveler health and safety (and from the comfort of a stationary chair with four legs), I have managed to collate these unofficial, yet essential top-ten guidelines to negotiating Indian roads for your perusal:

1. When riding at any speed you will need to keep one eye on the road watching out for potholes and the other for oncoming traffic. Vehicles will regularly and unexpectedly veer on to your side of the road to avoid one of the numerous wheel-destroying potholes. You will end up doing this also.

2. Use hand signals when making turns or when coming to a stop. Other drivers will only notice your vehicle’s indicators once you have done this.

3. Use your horn…a lot! There is a constant barrage of horns around you. Use this cacophony as a bat uses sonar. Each horn is a vehicle telling you where it is amidst the chaos. Use your horn on corners, when overtaking, when approaching vehicles, pedestrians and livestock or when you see something funny. It’ serves a language that says “do you see me?” with the reply being “yeah I see you”. It can also say many other things like “Get the fuck out of my way sisterfucker” or “Hey check me out! I’m a dude on a bike with some cool Bollywood shades and a hot girl on the back”.

4. If you are unfortunate enough be on the apex of a bend at the same time as a bus coming in the opposite direction - close your eyes, breathe in to reduce your body-mass and hope for the best. If there is a shoulder on the road, use it, as the bus will use his lane, your lane and then some.

5. When being overtaken by a bus, let them get ¾ of the way past you then apply your breaks. They will cut you off. In fact – try and steer clear of buses altogether.

6. Don’t speed. Period. Apart from the above, there is always a multitude of reasons for having to stop on a dime. You will have to share the roads with people who cannot drive for shit, have a death wish & officials that tear down the roads sitting on their horns maintaining a beeline down the middle of the road regardless of what’s ahead. There is no emergency; they’re just propelled by self-importance and the official sanction to put everyone’s lives at risk so they can make lunch in time. You will also have to share the road with cows, goats, water buffalo, playing children, farmers drying grain across the road and using vehicles’ wheels to do the threshing for them and men pushing hand carts stacked impossibly high with goods ranging from coconut husks to metal girders.

7. Try and not get too distracted by what you see by the side of the road. Whether it’s breath taking scenery, village life, people screaming hello or any one of the forever surprising elements of India…keep at least one eye on the road.

8. If riding in the late afternoon, pay extra attention while answering all the questions being shouted at you from the school bus in front. Just because the kids are asking your name and where you’re from, doesn’t mean that Mr. Deathwish driving the school bus will drive any less erratically. He will stop suddenly - just as the pot holes will keep coming. Again, keep at least one eye on the road.

9.When the smell of Cardamom and Tea hits your nostrils – slow down, pull over and refresh yourself at a marsala tea stall.

10. And finally, when you eventually make it to the next town in one piece, the taste of adrenalin has subsided and the feeling has come back to your numb butt cheeks – you will want to get straight back on and do it all again.